Silent tears

The silent teares, role down your face
When something you love, goes to a better place
When you wish youd, never grown to love
Such a little thing, that gave so little love

RIP Lacey. A hamster gone but not forgotten.

We all work diffrently

Yes, I'm depressed, And now I'm even on anti-depressants now. But that doesnt give people the right to just be mean to me, and personally attack me whenever they feel like it. Let me explain, I've had to resit an exam, and resubmit a piece of coursework in order to pass this year at uni (lack of motivation last time round I think), and so ive spent the bulk of my summer holidays so far, working on it. The big problem is, I find myself unable to concentrate on one thing for more than about 10-15 minutes without a 5 min brake, or a significant change to what I'm doing. Particularly since I started again with RSI in my wrist, because I have not been able to find an appropriate wrist rest. So, today while trying to work, my sister was shouting up the stairs to my mum, distracting me (I am easily distracted yes). I simply made a comment about trying to work and she verbally attacked me. She got got really aggressive saying that I was lying about working because she only ever sees me on skype and playing games. But she knows I cant concentrate for long. I'd really like to say I'm angry about this, but I'm really not, I'm just hurt and upset. I know when I'm like this, outwardly I appear very angry, but really, this has just made me want to curl up in the corner and cry. I am totally demotivated from working, and really, I just feel useless and like their is no point trying if that's all people see me as capable of doing.

29/03/2012

Today has really set me back, but before I can tell you about today, I need to tell you a little more about me, so  here goes.

6 ish years ago, I met a girl at a youth theater I was a part of. It took 18 months before I finally managed to sum up the courage and self worth to ask her to be my girlfriend. At this point, I was on the recovery from an initial bout of depression after my gran's death. A year later (3.5 years ago) things got bad. To say that for the next 2 years I put up with hell, would be a polite understatement. Don't get me wrong, there were good points, times when I felt loved, but in general, I just felt worthless and constantly down. Not to mention the fact that I was victim of a physically and mentally abusive relationship.

So, that ended just under 1.5 years. And since then, its been really hard for me to care about people, to trust anyone enough to let them get close to me. And, because I no longer value myself, I seriously don't know how people can care about me.

Since then, I found someone else, who I thought understood me, and who I opened up to. But being the glutton for punishment that I am, I let myself get hurt again. I genuinely believed that she cared about me, the same why I cared about her. But I was wrong, despite me getting the impression that she wanted more, she just wanted to be friends.  Lets call her Samantha*. And that's where today began

Because Samantha and I have some group work together, I was up at hers today to get some work done for a presentation we have next week. And everything went well, we got lots of work done, we laughed, we joked, we listened to music. But my good mood was not to last. After leaving a familiar feeling of emptiness and loneliness. This evening, I just want to escape it all, but there's too much here to stop me, I have friends who I care about, people who I'd risk everything to protect. But I still feel empty and alone.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. 

About me

Hi
My names Daniel, I'm a Nutrition Health and Lifestyles student at Sheffield Hallam University. Each day I fight a war, not a war like in Iraq, a silent war within my self, with myself. You see, I'm depressed, not just a bit upset, actually depressed.

In honestly, I don't know who's going to read this, but I need to tell someone, anyone, about the battle I'm going through. And who knows maybe I can help someone in the process.

If you knew me, you wouldn't be able to tell what I'm going through. Its not on show, I don't spend each day moaning and complaining. I live each day just like everyone else, I smile, I laugh, I have fun. Some days I'm even genuinely happy. But most the time, the smile is hollow, the laughter empty, meaningless. Its just easier to smile than to cry. Easier to printed i'm fine than to tell anyone whats up.

People often think I'm lazy or don't care, because I struggle to get out of bed, and I cant focus for long. The opinions of other people don't really bother me, but without their support I cant get better. I wasn't always like this, once I was carefree, happy, and I loved life.

So yeh, that's me, once a happy go lucky guy, now pulling myself through life by the bootstraps.

So this is my war, this is my life.